A New Beginning

Tragedy:

An event causing great suffering, destruction, and distress, such as a serious accident, crime, or natural catastrophe.

August 28, 2009. It's 9 o'clock on a Friday night. A silver car is driving home on Highway 75. Moments before reaching its turn, the car in front of it swerves, leaving just a second to see what lay ahead before it was too late. What that car saw was a person, lying in the road. There was nothing else the silver car could do. Leslie Newton, age 43, died that night.

Tragedy.

I'm sure every one of us can think back to a time when we have experienced some sort of tragedy, some event that forever changed us. For me, it happened six years ago. Six years ago, to this day.

For the scenario above, there were two tragedies. The first and most obvious, was the loss of Leslie Newton. The tragedy of his loss probably still affects his family. Death is hard despite its inevitable request to make its presence known. Nonetheless, it is unfair to lose someone we care about, and I cannot begin to imagine the pain his family felt.

The second tragedy is the car. On August 28, 2009, the driver of the silver car driving down Highway 75 at 9 o'clock on a Friday night was me. Because of this, I was faced with a situation I will never be able to forget. It completely changed my life. I went to school the weeks that followed only to have people say, "I thought you were a Christian, but it turns out you're just a murder!"

Tragedy.

It was an incredibly overwhelming time for me, and I didn't allow myself to process it until this year, 2015. The unbearable pain I felt during my junior year of high school literally changed me. I became a hard, cold person. I blamed myself for that accident. I blamed myself for the death of another human being, for taking away someone else's right to live. I let the lies of the enemy take over my life, and I started to believe those people who called me a murderer. And when I did start to 'live,' I felt disturbingly guilty for it.  I completely gave up on God, on love, on the value of life. I quit believing there was a good God out there, because why would He allow this? How could He? It just didn't add up to me.

It has been a long, treacherous journey for me. I have stumbled, I have fallen, I have wandered down the wrong path. I haven't always trusted, I haven't always believed, I haven't always obeyed. I have doubted, I have hated, I have cursed Him. But most importantly, I have learned.

What I have learned through all of it, through all of the pain and all of the hurt is that God was there. He protected, He loved, He forgave. He did all of that even before my car came in contact with that pedestrian, that forty-three year old pedestrian. That Leslie Newton pedestrian. He forgave.

He forgave me for all of the times I stumbled, for all the times I fell, for all the times I wandered down my path instead of His. He forgave me for not trusting that this was in His hands, for not believing that He was still good, for not believing in Him, for not obeying His commands. He forgave me for doubting His work through this journey, for hating not only the circumstance but also Him, for cursing His Name. He forgave.

What I failed to realize at the young age of barely-seventeen was that He knew I would encounter a man that night. He knew I would take this road instead of that one. He knew that I would fight Him every step of this long journey. He knew. yet, He still loved me through all of it. I have learned that it is okay to live, it is okay to love. It is okay to enjoy life. I have learned that bad things will happen again, and though I may fight them, though I may fight His journey, He will still guide me, still love me, still teach me.

What I have also learned is that tragedy is going to happen. God will allow more of it in my life, I am sure of it. He will. It does not take away from the truth that He is good. It does not take away from the truth that He loves me.

I often wonder why God allowed me to experience this pain, why He allowed me to endure this hardship. Sometimes I ask Him. And sometimes I am reminded that, just like Job, I was not there when the world was made, nor was I there when Jesus suffered and died. Who am I to doubt that He is in control? Who am I to doubt that His plans are good? I so often think that God should not have permitted me to go through this, but then I remember that, without this trial, I would't be who I am today. I would be a selfish, unforgiving person. I would rely less on God. If I had never suffered, I wouldn't understand grace or love. I wouldn't understand the cross or what Jesus did on it. I wouldn't even care that He died for me. I wouldn't care that HE suffered.

So I am thankful, I am grateful, that I was chosen to bear this trial for His name. I am thankful that He did not walk out on me like I walked out on Him. I am thankful that, just like the prodigal's son, God welcomed me back into His family when I came helplessly limping back,

And that is a new beginning.

Always in Him,

Hannah

Love

Can you define love?

Love.

This is probably the most overused word out there.

"I love this!"

"Oh my, she would love that!"

"I love you."

But what does it really mean?

I set out on a quest to really define love. I searched the web, and stumbled upon this interesting website. It is called, canyoudefinelove.com. From what I've gathered, anyone can write their own definition of love. And let me tell you, some people have a very twisted definition. 

It makes me wonder, do they really believe love that is what love is?

These are just two of the millions of definitions that grabbed my attention:

"Love is some strange feeling that kills us slowly :("

"Love is distraction"

But...

Love is patient.

Love is kind.

It does not envy.

It does not boast.

It is not proud.

It does not dishonor others.

It is not self-seeking.

It is not easily angered.

It keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth.

It always protects.

Always trusts.

Always hopes.

Always preserves.

Love never fails.

So often, I tell myself that if someone loved me, they'd make time for me. If they loved me, they wouldn't hurt me. If they loved me, they wouldn't lie to me. But is that the definition of love? Is that what the Lord calls LOVE? I find myself getting hurt when I forget to recognize that the "love" that is described isn't the love anyone can give me. I'm always searching for some love that cannot be fulfilled by people, but only Jesus.

Maybe you struggle with that too. Maybe you feel like no one cares about you. Maybe you compare the love described in 1 Corinthians 13 with the love you aren't getting from man. I understand. It's painful, incredibly painful. But you aren't alone. The kind of love described above is REAL. From a REAL creator who made you to crave those things, crave that kind of love. But He didn't intend for you to find it in anyone else except Him.

Have you ever heard the phrase, "He is jealous for you?" You've probably heard it in the popular song called, 'How He Loves.' But it's the concept I was talking about. He is jealous for us. He gets jealous when we seek unconditional love from mankind, especially when He is the only one who can love unconditionally. So next time you feel human rejection, human inadequacy to love you in a way they weren't intended to, remember the One who DOES love you that much, in that way, more than you could ever believe or understand. He loves us.

In His Peace,
Hannah

Eight Things Everyone Should Know

These are things I've learned along the way. Some, I've experienced firsthand. Some, thankfully and fortunately, I have learned from others. Nonetheless, these are eight things I believe everyone should know.

1. It is okay not to be okay.
   -For a great deal of time, I bottled my feelings up. Okay, okay..sometimes I still do this, but I'm getting better at it. I often feel like I need to be perfectly happy all of the time. Like, sadness cannot exist, only happiness. I felt like feeling anything except joy was like letting my guard down. But I am learning that it IS okay to feel. It IS okay to express how I am feeling constructively and safely. I AM allowed to have feelings other than happy. Being vulnerable gives someone a chance to truly experience me.
2. Protection can manifest itself as rejection.
   -Let me say that again. Sometimes, when people reject you, it is actually God's protection...not human rejection. That is a hard concept to grasp. A dear friend shared this knowledge with me as I was confiding in her a troubling sorrow. She said, "You know, Hannah, maybe this person's rejection isn't rejection at all. Maybe it is God's protection of your heart, He's guarding your heart from hurt." Wow. I had never thought of something so complex as that. I oftentimes get deeply hurt when I feel as though I am being rejected. When God readjusted my thoughts, when I fixed my eyes on Him, I learned it is not rejection at all. It is His guidance. And I can think back to previous situations, previous feelings of rejection and, in fact, see Him protecting me through it all.
3. There is a season for everything.
   -This one is really hard for me, but it is so true. There is a season for everything under the sun. There is a season for people to be in your lives. I had this very sweet and wise friend who was just in my life for two years, but she taught me more than anyone else has about Jesus. It was a hard lesson to learn, but I have learned that she was only there for a season. Now it is my turn to take what she has taught me and share it with others.This is true for other things as well. Suffering, for example. The Bible says that there is momentary suffering that is producing an everlasting weight of glory that far outweighs them all. I find comfort in the knowledge that my suffering, though momentary, is working for me.
4. It is okay to cut negativity out of your life
   -I think a lot of people struggle with this one. If people are constantly bringing negativity into your life, it IS okay to cut them out. For quite some time, I thought it was me, I thought something was wrong with me. I didn't understand that some people just do not connect in an uplifting and positive way.  And that is OKAY. Don't think that you have to change to be something different for them. You don't. Cutting negativity out of you life will bring so much peace and so much joy that you won't know what took you so long. This doesn't mean you shouldn't be civil or that you can't show kindness. It just means that they are not in that intimate level of friendship that they used to be. Try it. If you have people in your life that aren't good for you, free yourself from that chain.
5. People are always going to fail you.
   -I still struggle with this, to be completely honest. And I know it is so wrong to be upset when people fail you, but my flesh gets the best of me. But people ARE going to fail you. Everyday. Show them grace. It is okay that they are human. It is okay for them to mess up, just like it is okay if you mess up. We aren't supposed to be perfect. Just as Christ has shown my more grace than I ever deserved, I should continually show others grace.
6. Dryer sheets reduce frizzy hairs.
   -Most of these are deep, and I just wanted to lighten the mood. But yeah, its true :)
7. People hurt others because they are hurting.
   -This is one of the most true statements in this post. Hurt people hurt people. That means, when someone hurts you, no matter how deep the wound, THEY are hurting. They do not mean to take their hurt out on you. Nonetheless, their wounds hurt. Remember this the next time someone hurts you. Try to see the pain they have caused you as a cry for help. They do not mean it. They are just hurt.
8. It is okay to let people in.
   -This one kind of ties in to the first point. It is okay to let people into your life, to see the ugly places no one else has seen. Of course, the group of people you let completely in should be selective in a sense. Nevertheless, when you find a trustworthy group or individual, let them in. Be vulnerable with them. With vulnerability comes deeper understanding. If you want to be understood, you have to be honest. It is impossible to have a meaningful relationship if it is superficial. I know that in my life, I have had a deep fear of letting people in. I have always felt like letting people in would inevitably cause them to leave. Once they knew the real me, the me that I am not proud of, the me that isn't happy and that isn't perfect, they wouldn't like me. They would leave. But this is a lie. Letting people see that you aren't perfect, that you have a past, truly lets them love you even more. So let people in. Let that transform how you do relationships.

Be blessed, friends.

-Hannah 

Private Prayers

A Diary of Private Prayer

Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light -Matthew 11:28-30

God, I want to give it to you. I want you to take this from me, Father. I'm tired of feeling alone and hurt. God, you know the circumstances and you understand it far better than I ever could. Help me understand, because I'm tired. I want to feel alive again. I want life running through these dry veins again, God. Let me be fully satisfied in your presence. You alone are my strength, O Father. You alone restore my soul. It says in your word that, "The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him." -Nahum 1:7

God, I know you care about me and I know you love me. Why can't I be satisfied? Lord, forgive me for not seeing my worth in you. Forgive me for doubting your love and care for me. God forgive me for continuously choosing my sin over you. God I beg of your restoration in my life. I'm worn, I'm tired. I need you. The healing powers only you posses, I need you. I need your fulfillment. People will always fail me, God, but your love is forever. You promise to never leave or forsake me. I don't deserve such a merciful God.


Fill me, Lord.

Fill me.


{February 28, 2014}

I Lift My Eyes Up

My Help Comes from the Lord.

Addictions.

We all struggle with them, but no one really talks about them. Even looking at the word gives me a bad taste in my mouth. But, when I am honest with myself, I have addictions just like anyone else. Some addictions may seem alot worse than others, but nonetheless, they are addictions. For some, the addiciton of gossiping may be a downfall. For others, a more extreme circumstance may be taking place.

What addictions do you have? Do you realize that God cannot work through the problem unless you fully give it to him?

When I was struggling with a specific addiction, I remember confiding in a manager. Her words still have such an impact on my, and often I apply them to other situations. She said, "You have to give it to the Lord." I remember telling her that I had given it to Him, yet still I struggle. What she said next is so important. "You haven't fully given it to him. Imagine me saying, 'Hannah, take this key and go downstairs and get my phone.' You reach for the key, yet I am so tightly gripped on it that you cannot get it from my hands. That is what you are doing to God. You say, 'Lord, Lord, take this from me.' Yet, when he tries to take it, you have your hand so heavily wrapped around it, that it is impossible for Him to take it from you. Give it to Him. He can handle way more than you can."

Isn't that so true? We so often beg God to take it from us. I remember pleading that God would no longer allow me to struggle with a certain addiction. I could not understand why I still struggled with it when I had asked the Lord to take it from me. Now I realize that I still let Satan have a foothold by not giving it fully to God and allowing Him to work everything out in His timing and for His glory. He promises to never give us more than we can bear.

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. -1 Corinthians 10:13

 When we truly 'let go and let God,' the results are breathtaking. In my own life, the beauty that God has allowed to come out of the situation is beautiful. Knowing that the Lord has brought you out of your valley is a testimony in itself.

Be blessed.

And the Serpent Said to the Woman

You Shall Not Surely Die

-Genesis 3:4

And so it began. Ever since the very beginning of time, Satan has been lying to us. Did you catch that? Genesis 3. And today, some 3,500 years ago, we are still being fooled and deceived by the evil serpent. I know that in my own life, I am constantly being fooled by the author of deceit. He tells me lie after lie after lie.

I don't know if I have mentioned it to many people, but a lot of changes have taken place recently. A new major. A new relationship status. A new dorm. The list goes on. And I can honestly say that Satan has used every one of those opportunities to plant seeds of doubt in my heart. What is worse? I let him. 

I am in constant fear that I will not have a successful future due to my major change. I am confused still as to why my dream was taken away from me, but that is beside the point. Satan has used the circumstance to lie to me. What is worse is that I believe it. I fall into the same trap over and over again. I know that God has a plan for me and that His ways are better than my own. I know that His plans are not to harm me, but I still fall into a rut and have to fight to get out.

Another lie that Satan whispers in my ear is that I am never going to get married. A lot of this has to do with the recent breakup, I'm sure. But nonetheless, it is still a constant worry. How could anyone spend the rest of their life with me? I annoy myself sometimes, how could I not annoy someone else? I catch myself running through a list of all my bad qualities. I convince myself that I will never find a husband. I criticize every part of my being, from my personality to my outward appearance. It is a downward spiral, and Satan has such a tight grip on that part of my life.

This is such a terribly trap to fall into. When we give Satan just an inch of our life, he will take a mile and run with it. He is never satisfied and the deceit he plants begins to seep into other parts of your life. Before you know it, he controls you.

That is why it is so important to flee from Satan. When he starts to speak lies into your ear, do not listen. I know this is easier said than done, but it needs to happen. When we start to believe the lies of the devil, we stop listening to the truth of the Lord. We stop hearing the soft, gentle words of our Creator.

I have to tell myself that the ways of the Lord are perfect and He has promised great things to His children (Jeremiah 29:11-13). I have to resist the devil so he will flee from me (James 4:7). I have to resist the traps the devil has set for me. I have to be intentional about my thoughts and put aside anything that does not line up with the character of God. I have to be intentional about what I allow to stay as a thought in my head. It is hard, truly, but I know that as the days go on, if I am in the word and praying that God protect my heart from Satan, it will get better.

Be blessed.

Oh Father, Give Me Grace to Forgive Them

Cause I Feel Like the One Losing

It's hard to believe that I am almost twenty-two. Honestly, the years have flown by. That sounds cliche, but the truth remains. Life passes so fast.  However old you are, however young you are, there are still so many things to learn. Personally, I struggle with one distinct lesson: Forgiveness.

It is so hard to continue to forgive someone when they personally attack you. How can I forgive someone who has, on multiple occasions, said things to break me?

I'm not going to go into the situation because honestly, what good would that do? But regardless, why is it that people who claim truth are the ones living differently behind closed doors? I am no righteous person, and I am no better. But it is so hard to forgive and forgive and forgive to be broken and torn down again and again.

There are days when all I can say is, "I am tired of being put down by this girl." And then I remember the sacrifice. Jesus was probably tired of hanging on a cross so that I might live. Jesus preached to his disciples the reason for forgiving others.

You have heard that it was said, "Love you neighbor and hate your enemy." But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even the pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect. -Matthew 5:42-48

 Even after reading this again, I still feel so much conviction. How could I not forgive, knowing what Jesus did for me and for you? It reminds me of the Parable of the unmerciful servant.

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tel you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and children and all he had be sold to repay the debt. At this the servant fell on his knees before him, 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' The servant's master took pity on him, canceled his debts, and let him go. But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded. His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.' But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into a prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened. Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brothers or sisters from your heart." -Matthew 18:21-35

I do not want to be an unforgiving person. I know how hard it is to forgive someone who purposely hurts you, who goes out of their way to upset you. But forgiveness is necessary. How do you expect God to forgive you of your sins if you cannot forgive a brother or sister for theirs?

In 'Crazy Love,' a book by Francis Chan, he talks about what a lukewarm christian is. My favorite part is this:

Lukewarm people love others but do not seek to love others as much as they love themselves. Their love of others is typically focused on those who love them in return, like family, friends, and other people they know and connect with. There is little love left over for those who cannot love them back, much less for those who intentionally slight them. Their love is highly conditional and very selective, and generally comes with strings attached.

Have you ever drank lukewarm coffee? It's terrible. On the contrary, coffee that is hot or iced coffee is quite good. Most people either prefer their coffee really hot or iced. No one chooses to have coffee that is just kind of hot. It is the same for God. It clearly states in Revelation that God will spit those who are lukewarm out of His mouth. I know that I do not want to live a lukewarm life. I want to live boldly before Christ so that every person I come in contact with knows that I bear His fruit. I want strangers to see something different about me, even before I open my mouth.

It is hard, this forgiveness thing. I am struggling with it now. I have struggled with it for years, and I know that I will continue to struggle with it. But if we choose to make strides in God's direction, He will help us through our weaknesses.

I think this video says it all. If you haven't heard the 'behind the song,' I would encourage you to look it up.



Show me how to love the unlovable.
Show me how to reach the unreachable.
Help me now to do the impossible.

It'll clear the bitterness away
It can even set a prisoner free
There is no end to what it's power can do
So, let it go and be amazed by what you see through eyes of grace
The prisoner it really frees is YOU.


Blessings.