We all struggle with them, but no one really talks about them. Even looking at the word gives me a bad taste in my mouth. But, when I am honest with myself, I have addictions just like anyone else. Some addictions may seem alot worse than others, but nonetheless, they are addictions. For some, the addiciton of gossiping may be a downfall. For others, a more extreme circumstance may be taking place.
What addictions do you have? Do you realize that God cannot work through the problem unless you fully give it to him?
When I was struggling with a specific addiction, I remember confiding in a manager. Her words still have such an impact on my, and often I apply them to other situations. She said, "You have to give it to the Lord." I remember telling her that I had given it to Him, yet still I struggle. What she said next is so important. "You haven't fully given it to him. Imagine me saying, 'Hannah, take this key and go downstairs and get my phone.' You reach for the key, yet I am so tightly gripped on it that you cannot get it from my hands. That is what you are doing to God. You say, 'Lord, Lord, take this from me.' Yet, when he tries to take it, you have your hand so heavily wrapped around it, that it is impossible for Him to take it from you. Give it to Him. He can handle way more than you can."
Isn't that so true? We so often beg God to take it from us. I remember pleading that God would no longer allow me to struggle with a certain addiction. I could not understand why I still struggled with it when I had asked the Lord to take it from me. Now I realize that I still let Satan have a foothold by not giving it fully to God and allowing Him to work everything out in His timing and for His glory. He promises to never give us more than we can bear.
No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. -1 Corinthians 10:13
When we truly 'let go and let God,' the results are breathtaking. In my own life, the beauty that God has allowed to come out of the situation is beautiful. Knowing that the Lord has brought you out of your valley is a testimony in itself.
And so it began. Ever since the very beginning of time, Satan has been lying to us. Did you catch that? Genesis 3. And today, some 3,500 years ago, we are still being fooled and deceived by the evil serpent. I know that in my own life, I am constantly being fooled by the author of deceit. He tells me lie after lie after lie.
I don't know if I have mentioned it to many people, but a lot of changes have taken place recently. A new major. A new relationship status. A new dorm. The list goes on. And I can honestly say that Satan has used every one of those opportunities to plant seeds of doubt in my heart. What is worse? I let him.
I am in constant fear that I will not have a successful future due to my major change. I am confused still as to why my dream was taken away from me, but that is beside the point. Satan has used the circumstance to lie to me. What is worse is that I believe it. I fall into the same trap over and over again. I know that God has a plan for me and that His ways are better than my own. I know that His plans are not to harm me, but I still fall into a rut and have to fight to get out.
Another lie that Satan whispers in my ear is that I am never going to get married. A lot of this has to do with the recent breakup, I'm sure. But nonetheless, it is still a constant worry. How could anyone spend the rest of their life with me? I annoy myself sometimes, how could I not annoy someone else? I catch myself running through a list of all my bad qualities. I convince myself that I will never find a husband. I criticize every part of my being, from my personality to my outward appearance. It is a downward spiral, and Satan has such a tight grip on that part of my life.
This is such a terribly trap to fall into. When we give Satan just an inch of our life, he will take a mile and run with it. He is never satisfied and the deceit he plants begins to seep into other parts of your life. Before you know it, he controls you.
That is why it is so important to flee from Satan. When he starts to speak lies into your ear, do not listen. I know this is easier said than done, but it needs to happen. When we start to believe the lies of the devil, we stop listening to the truth of the Lord. We stop hearing the soft, gentle words of our Creator.
I have to tell myself that the ways of the Lord are perfect and He has promised great things to His children (Jeremiah 29:11-13). I have to resist the devil so he will flee from me (James 4:7). I have to resist the traps the devil has set for me. I have to be intentional about my thoughts and put aside anything that does not line up with the character of God. I have to be intentional about what I allow to stay as a thought in my head. It is hard, truly, but I know that as the days go on, if I am in the word and praying that God protect my heart from Satan, it will get better.
It's hard to believe that I am almost twenty-two. Honestly, the years have flown by. That sounds cliche, but the truth remains. Life passes so fast. However old you are, however young you are, there are still so many things to learn. Personally, I struggle with one distinct lesson: Forgiveness.
It is so hard to continue to forgive someone when they personally attack you. How can I forgive someone who has, on multiple occasions, said things to break me?
I'm not going to go into the situation because honestly, what good would that do? But regardless, why is it that people who claim truth are the ones living differently behind closed doors? I am no righteous person, and I am no better. But it is so hard to forgive and forgive and forgive to be broken and torn down again and again.
There are days when all I can say is, "I am tired of being put down by this girl." And then I remember the sacrifice. Jesus was probably tired of hanging on a cross so that I might live. Jesus preached to his disciples the reason for forgiving others.
You have heard that it was said, "Love you neighbor and hate your enemy." But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even the pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect. -Matthew 5:42-48
Even after reading this again, I still feel so much conviction. How could I not forgive, knowing what Jesus did for me and for you? It reminds me of the Parable of the unmerciful servant.
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tel you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and children and all he had be sold to repay the debt. At this the servant fell on his knees before him, 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' The servant's master took pity on him, canceled his debts, and let him go. But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded. His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.' But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into a prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened. Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brothers or sisters from your heart." -Matthew 18:21-35
I do not want to be an unforgiving person. I know how hard it is to forgive someone who purposely hurts you, who goes out of their way to upset you. But forgiveness is necessary. How do you expect God to forgive you of your sins if you cannot forgive a brother or sister for theirs?
In 'Crazy Love,' a book by Francis Chan, he talks about what a lukewarm christian is. My favorite part is this:
Lukewarm people love others but do not seek to love others as much as they love themselves. Their love of others is typically focused on those who love them in return, like family, friends, and other people they know and connect with. There is little love left over for those who cannot love them back, much less for those who intentionally slight them. Their love is highly conditional and very selective, and generally comes with strings attached.
Have you ever drank lukewarm coffee? It's terrible. On the contrary, coffee that is hot or iced coffee is quite good. Most people either prefer their coffee really hot or iced. No one chooses to have coffee that is just kind of hot. It is the same for God. It clearly states in Revelation that God will spit those who are lukewarm out of His mouth. I know that I do not want to live a lukewarm life. I want to live boldly before Christ so that every person I come in contact with knows that I bear His fruit. I want strangers to see something different about me, even before I open my mouth.
It is hard, this forgiveness thing. I am struggling with it now. I have struggled with it for years, and I know that I will continue to struggle with it. But if we choose to make strides in God's direction, He will help us through our weaknesses.
I think this video says it all. If you haven't heard the 'behind the song,' I would encourage you to look it up.
Show me how to love the unlovable.
Show me how to reach the unreachable.
Help me now to do the impossible.
It'll clear the bitterness away
It can even set a prisoner free
There is no end to what it's power can do
So, let it go and be amazed by what you see through eyes of grace
The prisoner it really frees is YOU.
Does anyone ever go through periods of feeling extremely lonely? For me, this is quite often. Actually, I spent the majority of my junior semester feeling like this. I can remember for weeks all I did was lay in my bed and cry. I moped to class and honestly didn't have any concern for my appearance. It wasn't a pretty sight at all.
And then one day as I was laying in bed something incredible happened. I did something I didn't normally do--turned on Pandora. A song began to fill the air and the words still to this day pierce my heart.
"Come and rest here, come and lay your burdens down. Come and rest here, there is refuge for you now. You'll find His peace and know you're not alone any more. He is here. You'll find His healing, your heart isn't shattered anymore, He is here." -Here by Kari Jobe
Aren't these words so true? I can remember in that moment feeling so much peace. I can remember truly feeling like the arms of the Lord were embracing me and holding me tighter than anyone ever has before. I felt peace, not just any peace though. I felt the peace that only God in Heaven can give. I remember literally running to my computer and seeing what song was playing. My tears were no more. Even better, I felt all my problems disappear.
It reminds of Matthew 11:28-30:
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
God's yoke is easy. His burdens are light. My friend described it in this way: "God never intended us to have heavy burdens. He wants us to give Him our heavy burdens in exchange for His light ones and the knowing that He will take care of all things. He taught the sun to rise. He can handle any problem we give Him." What truth!
God promises to take care of us. Remember the bird?
Lately I have been struck with the bad habit of worrying. It's such a bad trap to fall into. Worrying not only causes much grief but it also places doubt in your mind.
A few days ago I was sitting at my new desk in my new room and realized a few important lessons. I guess I should start by saying that, up until this point, I was not happy in my new room. It is ground-level and oftentimes it is humid in the room. Not only that, but little ants sometimes get in through the cracks of the window. But I realized something so important. So many people are without rooms or a warm bed to sleep in. Yet, there I was despising the great place God has given me. This room as allowed me to have a different perspective because I am literally level with the grass. It has allowed me to see so many new things.
One of the biggest lessons I learned was looking out of my window. As I stared out the window, I noticed a tiny bird in the grass. It looked as though it was really having a blast just rummaging through the grass. And then I saw what it was looking for: food. And just as easily as I had realized it, the little bird found exactly what it was looking for. What a beautiful reminder. The bird did not worry about where it was going to find it's next meal. It just went on it's merry day and food was provided at the right time.
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? -Matthew 6:25-27
It really convicted me, because I know that I am continually worrying. I worry about my future and the plan God has for me. I worry about what career path I will be on. I even worry about what I am going to be doing the next day or if my friends will still care about me tomorrow. But just as that little bird danced in the grass and trusting that food would be there, I need to continue to dance through life giving thanks to the Lord for the things that He has already provided, and for the things I know He will provide in the future. He promises this to all of His children.
Today I am overwhelmed with hurt. It breaks my heart to hear the pain and anguish my dear friends experience. It is unbearable to know that loved friends carry with them the deep scars from their past. Friends around me are losing their parents or friends or siblings. In other instances, parents left their child with physical and emotional scars that may never disappear. Many dear friends are struck with diseases with which doctors do not have answers. The list goes on.
I am left with only one thought: Why? Why do we live in a world where hurt and anger and resentment run so deep? How could a God who loves us so dearly allow such events to take place?
A few things come to mind:
First and foremost, pain and suffering exist because of original sin. Because of the sin of Adam and Eve, evil will exist in the world until Jesus returns. As a result, we are faced with trials and tribulations daily. But, how could we ever understand the goodness of the Lord? How could we truly experience the mercy and grace that only God can give us? It would be impossible.
Another thought that comes to mind is a story my pastor told us. He described a scene of the devil and God talking about Job. He painted a picture of the devil saying, "Of course Job is following You; You have given him everything he wants. Let's see if he will follow you if everything is taken away." This has been a continual thought in my mind. Will I still follow Jesus if I lose everything? If I am oppressed on every side, will I still lift my eyes up to the Lord? In the case of Job, he refused to curse the name of the Lord. Learning from his example, I pray that when hard times come, I stay strong and cling to my Rock. I know that the testing of my faith develops perseverance and perseverance must finish its work so that I may be made mature and complete, not lacking anything (James 1:3-4).
I wouldn't like to imagine a world where things were perfect and everything under the sun belonged to us. Do you know how selfish we would be? If we literally had everything we wanted, if we never experienced any hardship, we would be even more awful than we already are. A better character comes from the trials and tribulations we face in life. God promises to finish a good work in us (Philippians 1:6). If God puts you through a difficult situation, He PROMISES to get you through it. He will not leave you in the valley.
In closing, bad things are going to happen. The Bible promises trials. But, it is important to cling to your faith and trust that the One who gave you the storm can also calm the winds.
I cannot get enough of the book, "Hind's Feet On High Places." I started reading it again, even though I just finished it months ago. I seriously recommend the book to everyone; it doesn't matter what your life looks like or how your walk with God is going. The book is beneficial to everyone.
On my quest to find more books by Hannah Hurnard, I stumbled upon the book, "A Journey to the High Places." I came across a quote that immediately made me want to purchase the book:
"You purposely allow us to be brought into contact with the bad and evil
things that You want changed. Perhaps that is the very reason why we are here in
this world, where sin and sorrow and suffering and evil abound, so that we may
let You teach us so to react with them, that out of them we can create lovely
qualities to live forever. That is the only really satisfactory way of dealing
with evil, not simply binding it so that it cannot work harm, but whenever
possible, overcoming it with good."
Isn't this quote just lovely? God purposelyplaced us here to change the evils in the world. He is teaching us through every step how to be more like Christ. So, is our suffering really suffering?
It reminds me of the song, "Though You Slay Me," by Shane and Shane. There is a brief sermon perfectly snuggled in the middle by Mr. John Piper. The words he speaks pierces my heart each time I listen to it.
How absolutely beautiful! This song is so worth listening to. Our suffering is producing something beautiful within us that God will use for His glory. Suffering for Christ is the best kind of suffering. "We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." -Romans 5:3-5
I created a list over a year ago that had all the qualities I am looking for in a future husband. For those that have not done this, I strongly encourage it. Having a list of expectations and of things you will not settle is important. This list has kept me from dating guys that were not the right one for me. The list has shown me the "red flags" of guys that I shouldn't date. So I thought I would share my list to give you some ideas:
A Christian
This is the first quality I look for when I meet a guy. If they are not a Christian, there really isn't any point in going further in the dating relationship. It is also biblical. 2 Corinthians 6:14
The capability to lead a family
It is a man's role to lead and provide for the family. If he cannot lead or does not show qualities that can lead a family, red flag.
Adventurous and spontaneous
A "King"
If you have not read the book, "Preparing to be a Help Meet" by Debi Pearl, I strongly recommend it. She outlines the 'king' personality as someone who takes charge and what he says goes. I find this quality very attractive in a man.
A sense of humor
Close to his family
Look at how he interacts with his family. Is he rude and impatient with them? Does he do extra chores for them without complaining? If he is not close with his family, it may indicate that he won't be close with the family he will lead one day.
Doesn't drink, smoke, or say inappropriate words
College graduate
Similar beliefs as me
It is important to date someone with similar beliefs. If you don't, a lot of unnecessary arguments may happen. If he believes the same things as you, it won't be hard to decide on a church home or any other decisions like that.
Strong in his faith and convictions
Able to be rational instead of emotional
Since I am an emotional person, I need someone who is able to put his emotions aside and make a decision. This goes with the next point.
Able to make decisions in tough times
Financially mature
Genuine in care
Unchangeable mind and is not easily swayed
Pushes me to grow in faith and life experiences
Smart and wise
Approval of someone I respect
Creating a list is important. But, don't just stop there. It is also important to make a list for yourself. Who do you want to be in the relationship? If you have standards for the man you will date and marry, you need a list of who you will be, or who you want to be one day. I know that I am nowhere near where I need to be, so I have created a list of things that I need to change about myself. I also created a list of what I can bring to the relationship.
Both lists are important. Create your own lists. Make one for qualities you are searching for in a husband. Create another for things that you can bring to the relationship and areas in your life that aren't quite fine tuned. It will open your eyes to all the red flags that you do not want to settle on.
La, La, La It took the clouds of life and blew them all away.
This song is so cute. Just think about the sun...coming out..JUST FOR YOU! I remember praying one summer that the sun would go behind a cloud just for me..ha.
Has anyone else seen the God's Not Dead movie? It is probably one of the best movies I've seen in awhile. It disproves the idea of atheism. I recommend it to anyone that thinks God isn't real.
The movie got me thinking. There was one scene that stated the fact that Jesus would die on a cross again just for me if He had to. Doesn't that just fill you with joy? I can't even imagine the pain Jesus went through on that cross. And to think, He would do it all over again for JUST ME. Woah.
To anyone who thinks they aren't special, I call their bluff. Everyone is special to God. If God would send His only son to die just for you, something must be special :) Remember that each of us are created in God's own image. For a long time, I didn't know what that meant. Maybe I still don't know fully what it means, but I think I have a greater understanding. For many, we wil be the only glimpse of God they ever encounter. Think about that when you start displaying distasteful behavior.
Have you ever listened to a song 1,000 times and then on the 1,001 time you
listen to it, something different comes to mind? I was listening to the song,
"Redeemed" by Big Daddy Weave. Anyway, something this time really stuck out
to me. It doesn't matter who I have been. I could have messed up yesterday at
11:59pm, and be someone can be a new person today at 8:10am as long as I have
truly asked for forgiveness. (I didn't mess up at 11:59pm...I was asleep. But
I'm just saying).
Often times I continue to beat myself up for my past when
there is nothing I can do to change it. "Stop fighting a fight that's already
been won." It is insulting to God when I continue to remind myself of who I used
to be, what I have done. It's like saying that He isn't strong enough to take it
away. God's hand doesn't reach that far. "Behold, the LORD'S hand is not
shortened, that it cannot save" (Isaiah 59:1). But God has already forgiven me.
I need to forgive myself now.
But how can you forgive yourself when you have done things so shameful? I struggle with this question daily. How could I have hurt God so much? How can He love me when I have hurt Him? I think the best way to forgive yourself is to truly come to the understanding that God cannot love you any more when you are in your best state, serving the Kingdom as a missionary, than he does in your worst state. "He does not love you based upon your performance. There is nothing you can do to cause God to love you any more than He already does—and there is nothing that will cause God to love you any less. He loves you, even more than you love yourself."
The next thing I do to remind myself that I am forgiven is to pray. Being surrounded by God and His love always makes me feel comforted in a way that I cannot describe. Get into the Word and pray to Him. He wants to hear your voice.
Change. For me, this is such a dreaded thing. I hate changing. I hate when things are out of my control. But nevertheless, things continue to change. Most of the time, it is for the better. I humbly admit that I need to change. I need to become more like Christ daily. It is hard, though, and take a long time.
As I have started on this journey of change, I have learned so many things along the way. I have been reading the book "Hinds Feet on High Places," and just finished it yesterday. It honestly taught me more lessons than anything else. It taught me to accept everything with joy, to bear with love everything that comes my way, and to call upon the Lord when I feel oppressed. I think the book can be summarized in this one quote.
"So remember this; as long as you are willing to be Acceptance-with-Joy and Bearing-in-Love, you can never again become crippled, and you will be able to go wherever I lead you. You will be able to go down into the Valley of the world to work with me there, for that is where the evil and sorrowful and ugly things are which need to be overcome. Accept and bear and obey the Law of Love, and nothing will be able to cripple your hinds' feet or separate you from me. -The Shepherd
I have also learned, through this book and friends, to love those who persecute you. Another quote from the book is:
"It is happy to love even if you are not loved in return. There is pain too, certainly, but Love does not think that very significant."
It made me think of the verse in Matthew that says, "If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?" (5:46, 47). I have been feeling upset about being left out or not included and not being a nice person about it either. But a friend told me something that I pray will continue to ring through my heart. She said, "Even if everyone is rude to you, if they hurt you intentionally or unintentionally, be kind to them. Show them Christ's love. It says in Proverbs that "If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat;if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the Lord will reward you" (25:21, 22). At first, I did not understand what "heap burning coals" meant, but as I read more about it, I learned its meaning. To "heap burning coals on your neighbor's head" was meant to bring shame and forgiveness. It is commonly put, "to kill them with kindness." Nevertheless, I have been trying my hardest to be kind with everyone. Another hard lesson in which I am learning is to be content in all circumstances. It is hard, especially when things do not seem fair and life does not seem to go my way. It us such a hard concept to grasp, and it took me many weeks to fully understand. I think what Paul was talking about was, when we are filled by God and His Love and delight in Him and find our fullness and joy through Him, nothing else shall matter. I was putting my joy, my happiness, my peace, in the relationships I have with others. This will always lead me down the path of destruction; people will always fail me. But, being content with every circumstances says this: I choose to be joyful despite my current situations. I am so thankful for these lessons I have learned. So thankful that God has not given up on me. His arm is never out of reach (Isaiah 59:1). I pray that God continues to change me, no matter how hard the journey may be. I pray He takes me to the High Places with him, and that I remain fully in Him when times are hard. 22
So many changes have taken place in my life. A new semester brings new classes, a new group of people I am around, and even a new boy in my life. I have never been one to like change. I don't like having to reorganize my life or aclimate myself to something out of what I am used to. But nevertheless, here I am. Changing.
I guess I should start with a recap of last semester. I can say that last semester ended on such a high note, that the only place to go was down. All semester I struggled with my Medical Microbiology class. I had to get a measly 'c' to pass. Grades have never been a struggle for me. I am the one who sleeps in class and still passes the test with flying colors. But not with this class. I barely passed. I am actualy in awe at the fact. God used this experience to show me trust. I need to trust Him more, for He goes before me. Let's just say I spent alot of time in prayer and alot more time crying. In the end, though, I passed. My God came through--He always comes through.
Moving on, Christmas break was great. It was so relaxing not having to stress about assignments and homework, even if it was just for a few weeks. All the while, I was growing my friendship with my now boyfriend, Andrew. Unbeknownst to me, a good friend disagreed with the relationship. Her reasonings were honest and pure, but I do not agree with them. It doesn't matter the way she words her sentences or how well she paints the picture. She is not in the relationship. She does not know how it came to pass. I feel like this goes without saying, but we aren't as close anymore. She no longer talks to me about things we used to talk about. We do not hang out. For me, someone who thrives on deep, meaningful relationships, I am crushed. I firmly believe I am in some sort of depression or rut because of it. I miss our conversations and the way we built each other up spiritually. But there is nothing I can do. It doesnt matter the way I word my sentences or how well I paint the picture. Things are just different. It hurts me, but I do not know what to do. I am just praying for revelation and some light shed on the circumstance--a light only my God can shed. Now, the present. I am in my junior year of college. Woah how the time flies. I feel like I just got here. I am a sophomore in the nursing program here at College of the Ozarks. It's getting harder and harder each class, but I am trusting in God's plan. I sometimes feel like I just want to be a stay-at-home-mother, but I am unsure of the realistics. Can my future husband support us? I am not sure. I will just continue on in my nursing degree until I have clear answers.
Anyways, I currently have a pounding headache, so that must be my cue.
